Hope
by SilverWolf7
Summary: AU.  With the unexpected death of their newborn daughter, the marriage and lives of Sarek and Amanda are almost destroyed by grief.
1. Prologue

I always do this to myself. Always. Most of my stories, in case someone hasn't noticed, are about grief. This one majorly so.

Also, as always, the characters (with the exception of William and Cassandra and smaller players who will appear rarely/once) are not mine. I disclaim the known characters.

This is an AU chaptered story in which Sarek and Amanda had another child before Spock, a girl, who unexpectedly dies in infancy. It will span a two year period. I got the idea, oddly enough, from a one-shot I am writing in which Sarek and Spock notify Amanda's parents that their daughter is dead. It is sort of a sequel to 'Heart of the Matter'. I threw in a line in which Sarek understood the pain of losing a daughter, as he had once lost his own. The one-shot isn't finished yet and I have already, as is quite obvious, started with this story.

If any information in this is wrong, it is completely my fault. I apologise now.

Also, because of the subject matter, a trigger warning. This story may be a trigger to some.

Dedicated in part to Karlie, my niece, who never got a chance to live.

* * *

Hope

Prologue

There was no more grating a sound that was more wonderful to hear than the sound of a newborn baby crying. Amanda was laughing and crying at the same time, something she did when she was overjoyed about something, and they both were staring down at the tiny bundle that had just been laid against his wife's chest to suckle.

When the baby stopped crying and latched onto an exposed nipple, Sarek watched his wife's face as she and the new child, a daughter, bonded. With care not to disturb the new quiet, he reached down with two fingers and gently touched the newborn's face, feeling out where her psi points were and bonding himself with her. He never wanted to miss a moment of this new life.

After 3 attempts that had ended in early miscarriage, they finally had a baby. Their family was complete. Amanda could soon enough stop the treatments that altered her body to carry a child of Vulcan blood and he had someone in which to show the world from birth to his death.

The child seemed to have more Human in her than Vulcan. Her ears were rounded and what little hair she had been born with was a very light blonde. The hair, he had been assured, would most likely darken with age, perhaps turning brown, but it would never be his dark colouring. Her skin was pink, which meant red blood.

She did however, carry his features otherwise. His eyes, his nose, his long, strong limbs. She had already shown that she had more strength than a human newborn would have. Her eyebrows had the distinctive tilt upwards that was distinctly Vulcanoid.

He had stated that any daughter they had would be named by Amanda any name she would choose, Terran or Vulcan. The small child had yet to be named. He had to wait for Amanda to decide on that.

He was a patient man most of the time. It wasn't until the baby let go of Amanda and started to fall asleep, that Amanda decided to say anything.

"Oh, Sarek, she's gorgeous! She's got most of your features too!" She looked up at him with a huge, wide smile on her face and pride of what she had just accomplished shining in her eyes. A healthy, human mother holding her newborn child for the first time. There had been few complications during this pregnancy, possibly because of the more human element shown in the baby.

He bowed his head slightly and because they were being left alone for this moment, he smiled at her. "Indeed. There is still something she lacks, my wife. A name."

Amanda looked down at their daughter, smiling, before looking back up to him. "She looks more human than Vulcan, so a Terran name, I think. I'd call her Joy, because that is what she has made me feel, but...well, she doesn't _feel_ like a Joy. I want her to be named by something that connects her to us both. What she means to us."

Sitting down in the seat by the bed, while his wife sorted out in her head what she wanted to call the girl, he once again let his fingers slide across her face, from forehead to chin, feeling the beginnings of a parental link in his mind already.

This tiny child was his future.

"Daddy wants to hold his baby girl," Amanda said, in what she had dubbed 'baby language' and he looked up at her, startled. He would have to teach her not to use that language around the child, it wouldn't be fitting for one of his bloodline.

"Amanda..." he said, before he had a baby held out for him to hold. Carefully, and going on as much instinct as what he had researched, he held the child close, making sure to support her head. Amanda took the time to snap a shot with him holding the baby, but where she got the equipment from, he didn't know.

He was oddly not concerned about what his face might portray in the holograph. Carefully, he handed the child back and did the same for his wife. While he would be just as comfortable having his own memory of the moment, he knew the importance of what the holographs were to his wife.

Soon, another shot was taken, with him sitting near her on the bed, the baby between them.

He was overwhelmed by this whole experience and it possibly showed, but birth was a time of great joy, even for his people.

"I want you to send those to my parents as soon as possible. Just let me name her first."

He nodded his acceptance at this. Amanda was exhausted from the birth and would soon need sleep more than to talk to her parents. He would make sure that the human couple knew that both mother and baby were doing well when he sent the holo's.

He didn't have to wait that long for the name. After a few short minutes, she looked up at him, smiled and stated out loud, "Hope. Her name is Hope. She's our future."

He shared another small smile with his wife and bowed his head. "Then Hope it is. Our daughter. I will let you rest now and send the message to your parents. I will send in T'Vir to make sure she is looked after while I am out of the room and you sleep."

The midwife, hearing her name called, came quietly back into the bedroom, bowing as Sarek exited the room. He quickly made his way to the comm. station in his office and called up Amanda's parents.

While he knew it was late on Earth, he also knew that it was more than likely the Grayson's were still awake. As soon as Amanda had gone into labour, she had called them to let them know their grandchild would soon be born. The excitement of a birth seemed to be universal. He would have to call his father with the news first thing tomorrow morning. To call Skon while still so excited would be a mistake.

William and Cassandra Grayson only had one child. So, having a grandchild was bound to be quite a joyous occasion for them too. Soon enough, they were crowded on the screen, smiling widely at him, and waving in typical human fashion.

"Sarek! Are we now grandparents?"

He nodded once, sharper than normal, in order to try and restrain the smile that was once again threatening to appear on his face. "I would not have called if you were not. Amanda is doing well. She is currently sleeping. She wanted me to give you some holographs she took. The child is female. Amanda has named her Hope."

He sat through their congratulations, before holding up the data chip that held the holos. "I will send these now. Amanda wants you to enjoy having pictures."

He quickly entered it into the data port and transferred the pictures straight to the Grayson's comm. unit. He knew the moment they opened the files, and watched their reactions to the pictures of which he had yet to see. This was the closest the human grandparents could get to bonding with the child without physically being in her presence.

"Oh, she's wonderful!" Cassandra stated, her smile softening to one that he usually saw reserved for Amanda only. He couldn't help but wonder if she meant that because the child looked more human.

"She looks like a blonde Terran version of you, Sarek."

He stared for two seconds, before noting that it wasn't meant as an insult. He and Amanda had just talked about that. It was a simple fact. He nodded slightly again. "We had noticed this. It is the reason we think this pregnancy wasn't as hard on her body. Amanda's Terran genes are more dominant in the child. It was less complicated for her to carry to term."

He belatedly realised he may have accidentally given the impression that he didn't want a more human child. As long as the child was healthy, and the healers had said she was, then he did not care which species she mostly took after. If he cared about that, he never would have married a human, no matter what emotion he may have felt for her.

"Well, as long as she is healthy, I don't care what she looks like or what parent she takes after. She's still wonderful to me. Tell Amanda she has our love and support and that we are proud of both of you," Cassandra declared, grinning at him. She knew how uncomfortable he was around humans giving him overly emotional messages.

"I will send her your message."

"You keep good care of our daughter, Sarek," William stated, before the terminal went blank. It was their usual end to a discussion. They never said goodbye. He found it oddly refreshing, and they knew he would always care for Amanda.

And now he would always care for Hope, as well.

* * *

She had no idea what had awoken her. Only that she had been fast asleep from the strenuous day one second and awake the next. And then she felt Sarek at her side and grinned. Oh, she loved her husband like no other, but sometimes he could be completely clueless.

"Your parents send you their congratulations, their love and support and are proud of both of us."

Amanda laughed slightly, turned to where he was lying beside her and took his hand in hers. "You woke me up just to get that out of the way, didn't you? I don't care how illogical it sounds to your delicate Vulcan sensibilities, I love you."

He squeezed her hand gently in his own, lifted his free hand to caress her face and gave her that small smile that was all hers. "I take it you would like to go back to sleep now?"

She smiled up at him and sighed, knowing that he may misinterpret the sound, but not caring. "I want to see my daughter again."

Sarek looked towards the crib beside the bed and checked on the baby. "She is currently resting herself, Amanda. No doubt she will wake soon enough wanting to feed. Sleep while you can."

Nodding, she closed her eyes, grateful that even though it was unlikely he would go to sleep, Sarek stayed at her side, cuddling her close. Though he would never admit to it, Sarek was extremely loving towards her. She drifted back off into a contented sleep, feeling love and affection for her coming in waves from her husband.

A loud wailing cry of an infant woke her two hours later.

Groggily, she tried lifting her head, but found she was being held in a way that stopped her from getting very far with that plan. "Sarek, the baby is crying."

"So I hear," he stated back, his own voice sounding like he had just gotten woken up. Well, perhaps he had fallen asleep with her, after all. How sweet! It must have been the adrenaline rush of becoming a dad, since he rarely slept during the day.

Sarek got up and she let herself be propped up in bed, fluffed up pillows at her back. The care her husband took to make sure she was in as little pain as possible was heart-warming, because she was in some amount of pain. Nothing that wouldn't heal naturally though, thankfully. There had been minimal tearing. Hope had wanted to be born.

Soon, she was once again holding her daughter, and feeling a rush of love for the tiny girl in her arms, suckling at her breast. Sarek was gently running his fingers over Hope's face again, and she knew it was his way of bonding with her, of starting the parental link all Vulcans had with their children from birth.

Her family. All three of them together, whole now Hope was born. All connected and sharing a connection. She loved how much closer this was bringing her to her husband. Her own connection to Hope was amazing. She had heard she may have some sort of link with her, nothing like what she had with Sarek, but she wasn't expecting this. While she wasn't telepathically linked with the baby girl, she knew that she'd know the instant something was wrong. This was nothing to do with the child being half Vulcan either and everything to do with natural human instinct.

She could only imagine the kind of parental link Sarek was forming with their girl.

Even after the feeding was over, she held her baby close, and Sarek stayed with them, regardless of the fact that he had not called in to his office to tell them his wife had gone into labour. He was skipping out on the day to be with his family. It was possibly the most daring thing he had done, but for marrying her in the first place.

For this moment on, she realised that leaving behind her own planet to come live on Vulcan with her husband had been the right decision. She was giving up one life, but moving on to a new, better one. And her parents got along with her husband.

Life couldn't be better.


	2. Chapter 1

Any mistakes in this are completely mine. I am still very much new to the whole Star Trek fandom, and am probably stomping all over medicine and Vulcan as a whole, by making stuff up. If so I apologise and point me in the right direction. All the information I have on Vulcan and the planets' people comes from TOS and the movies. I'm actually extremely nervous about posting this just for this reason alone...

I will give an explanation about the whole Sarek's mother thing from in this chapter. Believe me, the entire idea will come out later in the story, silly though it is, and isn't just this tiny little blurb on it. I have the entire scene planned out so it (by any luck) makes sense. As to why I didn't make his mother T'Pau? Because in this story she is an aunt instead. As far as I know, she was never stated to be Sarek's mother. If she was, then point me to where it was stated because I'd like to know. Either way, in this story, she is an aunt.

I hope some people read even after my admitting all this.

Oh, and warning, this chapter contains content that may disturb some readers, since it involves the death of a baby.

* * *

Chapter One

There was something wrong. He didn't know what it was, but it was worrying him needlessly enough that he couldn't concentrate on anything else.

Amanda had once again fallen asleep, but considering she had given birth a mere 4 hours and 3 minutes ago that was normal.

Hope was a comforting presence in his arms. He was finding it hard to put her down to sleep, as she was currently what had him worried. She was staring up at him. She was also being quiet, though every now and then she'd make a small sound which could be interpreted as a cough. He wasn't sure if it was or not, but he had heard other babies that were perfectly healthy make similar sounds.

He gently ran his fingers over her face, more so to comfort himself than to comfort the child. He couldn't get past the instinct that something was wrong. She was being too quiet and the strength she had been showing since birth was waning slightly. The link was filled with the wrongness.

"Amanda," he called out, knowing she may be angry with him for waking her up a second time, but he thought this important. "Amanda, something is wrong." He walked over to the bed, a different movement from his continual pacing of the bedroom he had been doing for the past hour.

"Amanda!" he called out again, before sitting on the bed, carefully moving Hope to a position in which she'd still be comfortable in one arm, and shook his wife gently by the shoulder. It took a while for her to come to her senses, mainly because she was exhausted. She usually didn't take this long to wake. Why was she taking so long now?

"Sarek? What is it? I'm tired."

"Something is wrong. I need you to hold Hope, so I can call a Healer."

Amanda blinked up at him for a few seconds, before frowning her confusion at him. "What's wrong? You're not ill, are you?"

He shook his head and passed the infant to her mother. "Not me, Hope. Something is wrong with her."

He watched as Amanda critically looked over the baby, who made one of her tiny coughing sounds, looked up at him, and he saw the frown deepen. "Please tell me this isn't because of that sound. It's a normal baby sound, Sarek."

Shaking his head again, he got up. "It is not because of any sound she made. I can sense it. There is something wrong with her."

Amanda looked at him like he was going crazy, but sighed and nodded her consent. "Fine, but when you find out you're worrying over nothing, don't get all bent out of shape with me."

It was his turn to blink. "Bent out of...?"

"Angry."

"Ah. And if there is something wrong, am I to assume you will not be worried?"

She scowled at him. "No, of course I'd be worried then, but I am not going to worry over what I can hear as normal healthy baby sounds."

Sighing slightly, Sarek nodded slightly at her, before moving to his office to contact a Healer. It didn't take too long, considering the medical facilities never closed.

There would be a wait and he wasn't yet convinced Amanda wouldn't yell at him for what she could see as a natural first time father worry. Didn't she understand he was connected to the girl now, through a parental link? That his sense that something was wrong wasn't a Terran imagined worry? He couldn't understand why she wasn't worried like he was.

Yet again, his wife was Terran and it was possible she didn't have the connection to the child that he had formed shortly after birth. Still, human mothers were extremely protective of their young, and had a sense of their child. Amanda had, after all, carried the baby for almost a year inside herself.

So, why wasn't Amanda worried? She knew he didn't worry needlessly over things.

Shaking his head, he decided he better join his wife and child, before he got into trouble. He never understood her need to yell at him over some of the things he did.

It was plainly obvious to him that she just didn't have the same link to the child as he did. She was extremely close to the child regardless. Even as he walked back into the bedroom, he saw her holding Hope to her chest once again, even though her milk had been depleted for the time being from the feeding earlier.

Hope for her part had begun to fuss, making soft mewling sounds that he assumed would lead to a crying fit shortly. Amanda was trying to settle her before it got to that point. He felt the start of what he could only call pain from the child. A newborn was not supposed to be in pain.

"She hurts, Amanda. Something is very wrong."

A glare was his only answer, before Amanda held their daughter close and begun what he could only assume was a comforting act for a human child. She was rubbing Hope's back in circles over her shoulder.

"You don't listen to Daddy. He's being mean because he's being irrational right now."

Anger flared inside him, and he turned away from her to hide the reaction from his wife. "I am not irrational. You are refusing to listen to me."

He didn't need to see the action to know Amanda was rolling her eyes at him. "I am listening, Sarek. You are making things up over a sound she made."

He turned back to glare at her, not caring in that moment just how much anger he was showing. "I am not imagining this. There is something wrong, and you refuse to believe it."

Amanda turned to look down at Hope and kissed the girl on the forehead. "Daddy's getting all emotional. At least I know he cares about you."

His anger was very close to escaping his control. "Stop talking to her in such a juvenile manner. I refuse to have her learning this baby talk of yours. It is demeaning to both you and her. And she is my child as well, Amanda. I may not state out loud that I care but you should know better."

Amanda turned to look at him and her glare matched his own in intensity. "Well, humans tend to need to hear it stated every now and then, Sarek, even if they are bonded."

He was about to answer that, but the Healer arrived at the house, and he had to leave both mother and child to let him in. He hadn't managed to fully regain control of his facial features and his lips were turned down in a frown, which if nothing else alerted the healer that there was definitely something wrong.

They were silent as they made their way to the bedroom, back to where the females were. His anger at his wife's inability to understand he knew there was something wrong refused to leave him. All he could do was wait to see her reaction when she learnt he was right.

He also worried about what the problem might be.

Hope was still fussing, but hadn't started crying, she was just whimpering softly. He felt the pain increase, and he wanted nothing but to hold the child to comfort her, but with one look at the fierceness on Amanda's face, he knew he wouldn't get close enough to even touch the baby.

Repressing a sigh, he sat himself down on the seat by the bed and waited as patiently as he could for the tests to be performed. For a few minutes, the only sounds in the room were that of a tricorder and the whining of the child, as she continued to be in pain.

The look on the Healer's face once he had finished made him freeze. He knew that look. It has been shown to him when his mother had been declared too far gone to live after being scratched by a starving le-matya that had gotten too close to the house during a severe drought. Now he was facing the death of his daughter. His child.

No, he had to be misinterpreting.

"There is a malfunction in her heart. It must have formed after birth, as her preliminary tests state she was born healthy. She is too weak to survive surgery. She is bleeding internally."

Amanda froze, her hands stilling on Hope's back. "Is it really bad?"

"I estimate her to live another 1.18 hours before death."

"Death? No! You're a healer, heal her!"

Sarek chose this time to reach out and touch Amanda's hand. He made sure his shields were up so she didn't have to suffer through his pain as well as her own at the news. "Stop, Amanda. If there is nothing to be done, there is nothing to be done."

"You're just going to accept this, Sarek? This is our _baby_ he's talking about!"

"And heart defects run in my family line, Amanda. Usually in the males, and normally during middle age, but it can happen at any time. I have told you this before, in case it happens to me."

"Great, you killed her with your genes."

Pain flared in him so strong, he flinched. Before he could hear what other insults and accusations his wife could say to him, he got up and went to leave. "I will inform your parents, Amanda. They should know."

He didn't hear what else she had to say, his mind turning inwards to what he should tell William and Cassandra. Did the direct approach work on humans? Or did he have to subtly work his way up to telling them? Either way, it didn't matter. He turned on the comm. station, called the Grayson residence, and as soon as the call was picked up, by two sleepy humans, he just blurted it out in a most un-Vulcan way.

"Hope is going to die soon. Amanda blames me."

There was silence for 5 minutes. He found himself staring not at the screen, but rather at the floor. He irrationally hoped they would just hang up so he could go back and see if Amanda was still blaming him, but found they didn't.

Looking up, he caught their eyes and he found that the silence was based around the shock reaction humans had about informed death. He should have realised.

"Oh god, the poor baby! What happened?"

"Malfunction of the heart. A genetic problem in my line. Amanda accused me of killing her because of it."

Cassandra was holding a hand up to her mouth, before she left the screen. He watched William's eyes track his wife, before turning back to him. "A human reaction to bad news is to find the easiest person to blame and to lash out. I doubt she meant what she said to you, Sarek."

He nodded, because some part of him stated that was true. Amanda loved him, he felt that through their bond every day and she told him regularly. Though right now anger was coming off of her in hurtful, hot waves. There wasn't even grief, it was all anger.

The truth made his heart clench in his side and he must have turned pale, because William was looking at him in concern. "Sarek, son, are you alright?"

"She will not allow me to enter the room. She is too angry with me. I am not going to see my child alive again."

Anger was the emotion of this last hour by the looks of it. William was now glaring at him, though he had no idea what he had said or done to deserve it. "She better let you in. Sarek, go to her. You should be there when it happens, as much for both yours and Amanda's sakes as well as for the baby."

Fear started growing in his mind, and Amanda's anger was dying down to include fear too. The thought crossed his mind that he didn't _want_ to go in there, didn't want to watch the child they had tried so hard for die. He definitely did not want to be accused again of murdering his own child.

Taking a deep breath to steady himself, he nodded. "Yes, I will take my leave. Do you wish to know when she dies?"

William blinked at him, before shaking his head. "Not right away. You should spend the time afterwards with Amanda. You can tell us at a later time. Thank you for informing us that she is this badly."

He nodded again, once and sharply, hoping to get off the comm. now, to go see his wife and daughter.

"Sarek...if the two of you need a rest, a vacation, or just to get away, you're both welcome here."

Blinking at the human on the screen, he was confused by the offer, but nodded slightly anyway. Turning down the offer would be rude, though he couldn't think of a reason why he'd go to Earth just for a vacation, and he wasn't one to run from problems. And to a Vulcan in the prime of life, taking a rest to do nothing was unproductive.

He was losing his child.

He stared at the now blank screen for what seemed an eternity, but was in fact only 2 minutes and 36 seconds. He shut the machine off, not wanting to be interrupted by anyone during the last remaining time of his child's life and stood.

He was losing his child.

There was a slight knock on the entrance to his office. "Enter." He had the wild hope that it would be Amanda, come check to see if he was 'all right', but instead he got the Healer walking in.

"Your wife is requesting your presence. She is...sorry she said what she did. I will take my leave, as there is nothing else I can do here at this time. Call again when you are ready."

When he was ready to have Hope's body taken away. He knew that was what was meant, but it took his mind a few seconds to realise that and he closed his eyes and sighed. "Of course. Live long and prosper."

Saluting him, the Healer stated a quick "peace and long life," before turning and letting himself out. The words cut through him. He would live long, but he would do so childless. He didn't know whether Amanda would want to try again, and right now he was beyond the act himself. Amanda would have to heal first, and T'Vir had told them six weeks at the least before recommencing sexual relations.

He wanted his wife. He took comfort in her, when things were going wrong at work. If stress levels were high, it would lead to an over abundance of sex. He was under a tremendous amount of stress over this incident, yet had no desire at all, like he normally would.

He was losing his _child_.

Fortifying what little courage he could find within himself for the moment, he stepped out of his office and headed towards their bedroom, not knowing what he would find. He imagined a distraught Amanda, crying over their dying girl. He imagined her dying along with the baby. He imagined the child already dead, though he could still feel the tentative beginnings of the link in his mind.

What he found when he re-entered the bedroom was not anything that had been close to any of the scenarios he had quickly ran through in his head. Amanda was propped up like she had been when he had left the room, still holding the baby to her shoulder, carefully rubbing her back in comforting circles. There were no tears, the anger she had felt was now gone. Sadness mixed with disbelief and worry was all he sensed from her.

Denial. He wished in that moment, he could have the privilege of denial, but he wasn't human. His mind would take in her death and he would process it over the next few weeks. A Vulcan mourning period was short compared to a human's. If they did it properly.

His first experience had not been a good one, and so he had learnt to grieve at a time when he had little control over his emotions. He had openly grieved for his mother. For months. His father had been understanding, though weary of the over emotional outbursts.

For that matter, he was quite a bit more emotional because of that incident than most Vulcans. It was what made him one of the better Ambassadors on Vulcan. He could understand emotional responses in others better than most of his species because of it.

It was also what had drawn him to Amanda. She had been so vividly..._there_. He hadn't been able to resist her. He'd never tell her, but for him it was what the humans called love at first sight. It wasn't for Amanda. He had to work to gain her friendship, let alone her love, but somehow he had done it. Until this instance, he had been content in that.

Now he was getting frightened that she would leave him. Losing a child was hard on the parents for a human and on Vulcan it was considered a tragedy. It was one death in which a Vulcan was free to cry. In private, preferably.

Such a waste of life and so much potential...yes, those reasons were logically considered worthy losses to mourn over.

He wouldn't give in to his emotions. Not this time. He had to prove that he was now adult and mourn like a true Vulcan would, quietly and without tears. Like he would have if he had been just a few years older when his mother had died and he had gained rudimentary forms of control.

"Sarek? I'm sorry. You don't have to stand there and stare off into space..."

He blinked once, hard, and realised that, once again, he had gotten caught up in old memories of his past. "I apologise. I was thinking of my mother's death."

Amanda was quiet at that. She knew his mother had died, but he had never told her how, or when. Perhaps he should, but now was not the time. He had someone else to comfort and grieve the loss of. "I didn't mean what I said. I know it's not your fault. I was angry."

He tried to give her an emotional sign to let her know he understood, but couldn't manage it. He stared at her for a few seconds before turning his gaze to Hope. "Your parents say that their house is open to us if we need to take a break, a vacation or to get away. I do not understand this motivation. What is wrong with our house?"

A small smile did make it onto his wife's face, and his heart skipped a beat. How could she be smiling at this time? He hadn't made a joke, or intended to do so. She wasn't happy with anything. Humans and their expressions made no sense!

"Sometimes humans need to get away from all the reminders a house can have after the death of someone, Sarek. It means they will be there for us if we need to get away from reminders of Hope. It will happen for me, my husband. I don't know about you, but it might."

"Ah, they were giving their support in offering their home to us. I understand now." His wife was smiling at her parents' thoughtfulness in thinking of them at this time. He wondered what his father would say. Skon was still in the process of trying to accept Amanda being human.

"Sarek, you're drifting into thoughts again."

He sighed, and it echoed around the room. "I am unsure how to act. My first experience with watching someone die was...extremely unpleasant."

"I've never done so before. Both my parents still live. I've never even had a pet die on me. Now I'm losing a child!"

Anger flared across their bond, but he understood it this time. Amanda couldn't accept this as easily as he could right now. And the wait would be just as terrible, if not more so, for her.

Hope let out a small wail, which tapered off into silence, and Sarek winced at the sound. Just a few hours ago she was crying and full of life. Now she was too weak for even that. He needed to stay for Amanda's sake, but his instincts were telling him to flee the room. Instead, he went back to his chair and sat.

Reaching his hand over, he ran his fingers through the tiny short hairs on Hope's head and let out his breath. Her hair had a slight kink to it already. She would have had his hair, just much lighter in colour. Amanda had let him touch her. He had still been secretly worried that she wouldn't.

"Come lie on the bed, Daddy."

He almost reprimanded her for the word usage, but knew that it wouldn't matter now anyway. She was comfortable with the wording, almost like it was natural, so he allowed it. The child would not know him as anything other than her Daddy now.

With no thought as to what he was doing, he carefully laid himself down next to his wife and reach out his hands. One held on to Amanda's arm, since she was still supporting the child with both hands. With the other, he once again began his natural instinct to bond with his child, and traced her face with his fingers, finding her meld points, which wouldn't truly become active on her. Natural telepathy would have come to her naturally as she grew older.

Now she won't grow. This was all he was going to get.

So be it. He would be with his wife and his daughter during this time.

* * *

Amanda watched as Sarek carefully ran his fingers over their baby's face over and over again, and wanted to stop him. He was only going to hurt himself if he continued. He had stated to her how much grief it can cause to feel the bond of a loved one snap when a person died.

And here he was, purposefully getting closer to their baby, who was going to die soon.

She couldn't believe it. Hope had been alive, well and full of life only mere hours ago. There was no way that she could possibly be dying. And yet she knew that the Healer would never lie about such a thing. Also, considering said Healer was also a Vulcan, made it doubly so. Cold hard fact was all she got out of him.

So why couldn't she believe it?

Sarek had known instantly that there had been something wrong, and she hadn't been able to sense it. She had told him he had been wrong, only to be told he was more right than even he had managed to sense. He had been just as surprised and upset as she had been. Still, he had known and she hadn't.

"I'm a bad mother. It's all I can think of."

Sarek stilled his hand and looked at her. "A bad mother would not still be in the room looking after her dying child. She would have left to let the child die without knowing her."

She shook her head. "No, I meant that we seem incapable of having a healthy child and keeping it alive. Three miscarriages and now Hope dying so close after being born...it's got to somehow be me."

She got a raised eyebrow for that thought, and was not the least bit happy with the sight. He was genuinely confused how she came to that conclusion. She could feel it through their bond and see it clearly in his eyes.

"Now you are blaming yourself. A half hour ago you were blaming me and my genes. By this conclusion, we are then both bad parents and you are not alone."

It actually got her to smile. Her baby was dying and she was smiling at how ridiculous her husband was being. Or how ridiculous she herself was being and he was correcting her of it. Sometimes she wasn't sure. Though he did say that if she was a bad mother, he was a bad father, but he was showing right now that he wasn't...

"You're not a bad father."

"Then you are not a bad mother, my wife."

Somehow that didn't make her feel any better. Still, she nodded at his explanation, though it made no sense. "I didn't sense this. You did but I didn't. I can't be a good mother. Good mothers know these things."

"Amanda, you are forgetting I am Vulcan, not human. And even I did not sense how badly she was. This has come as a surprise to me too. I am...not entirely certain how I will be affected by this, but by past experience I do not handle grief well."

She laid her head on top of his and sighed. "I don't think I will handle this any better, Sarek."

Hope made a little sound and they both turned their attentions back to their daughter, who was fidgeting in her arms. She shifted her position slightly, hoping to make the baby girl more comfortable. Sarek once again started running his fingers down the side of the girl's face.

"Sarek...should you be doing that?"

He held her closer with his free arm and she could feel him sigh. He was doing that a lot with this news. At least she knew he was affected badly by it. "It is instinct. I cannot stop it any more than you can to hold her close and try to comfort her. I am doing the same."

Of course. Touch telepathy. She didn't know if Hope would have the ability, or if she did whether it was active yet or not, but Sarek could send her comfort and affection through the link he had formed with her. She tried and failed not to be jealous. In humans, it was usually the mother that had the closer ties to the children, seeing as they came from them.

"Amanda... if it is any consolation, right now this is more to try and comfort myself. She is...not well."

Not well was his way of saying beyond comfort. He went through periods of that himself if he got in over his head with his work. He tended to disappear during those times. Hearing that her sick and dying baby was not getting any comfort was not at all what she wanted to hear.

"No, Sarek, if anything that makes things worse. Is she scared?"

He was silent for a few seconds, gazing down at the child, before shaking his head slowly. "No, not scared. She is in some considerable pain, but she has no concept of fear or death. She does not understand. She is too young to do so."

Nodding, Amanda ran her hands over the little girl's head and sighed. "Well, I think that is comforting at least. She is at least going out without being scared of death. Pain isn't good though. Can we give her anything for it?"

"She is a hybrid. There is no telling if she is allergic or unaffected by either Vulcan or Terran drugs. I could directly touch her mind and keep her from feeling the pain if you wish me to."

She looked to him and she was filled with hope. Maybe he could somehow save her by melding and taking out what was bad? "Yes, I think she'd like to be in no pain. I don't like the thought of her in pain. Could you?"

"I just said I would."

With that she watched as Sarek gently splayed one hand over the side of her face, fingers finding and staying on her meld points. He closed his eyes and frowned. "She is now in no pain, but is trying to communicate something. I cannot understand."

Sighing, Amanda nodded. "Well, don't try. Just...think calming, soothing thoughts her way and hope she picks up on it."

"I am, Amanda..."

She watched his face as he kept up the meld, seeing as his frown disappeared as he calmed down himself a little. What he was trying to convey to the baby was flowing into her and the love and comfort was so strong, she knew they were going to be in trouble once Hope died. He had gotten too close to her, just as much as she had, except she had been unable to go this far.

"Oh, Sarek. Let go of her. You're going to hurt yourself even more if you stay there."

"The pain will come back, Amanda. I thought you did not want her to suffer?"

"I don't want you suffering either!"

They would never get anywhere with this argument. They both quieted down and decided to stare at their little girl instead. She now had her eyes closed, possibly trying to sleep now the pain was gone. What happened if she wanted to be fed again? Should she feed her? Or let her starve in her last moments?

Tears pricked at her eyes, and she furiously blinked them away. Hope was still alive right now, and she absolutely refused to cry for a baby that wasn't yet dead.

Sarek didn't lift his fingers off her face.

They stayed in silence for what felt an eternity. She didn't know how long it was, but Hope begun to make funny noises that were actually worrying, before going still. It didn't even register in her mind that her daughter might have just died without making much of a fuss at all, until Sarek's hand left her face and he began rubbing at his own head.

He didn't say a word. He did get up and walk out of the room, and she knew, through the suddenly silent bond, that he was probably going to call someone to let them know to come pick Hope up. What did Vulcans do with their dead? Did Hope have a Katra to save? Oh god, why was this happening to her?

He came silently back into their room a few minutes later, veering off to the bathroom. She heard him rummaging around in the cupboards, before he came out and laid himself back down next to her.

"Sarek?"

"I have a very bad headache, Amanda..." he whispered in response to his name. That he didn't raise his voice any higher and that he admitted to being in pain in the first place hinted to her how much pain he must be in. Did Vulcans suffer from migraines? She knew that Sarek hadn't had one before, at least not in her presence.

They fell into silence. She had no idea what to say or do or even how to think. She held Hope closer to herself and once again began rubbing circles across her back. The baby in her arms was already growing cold.

Sarek turned his back to her and buried his face in his pillow.

Life as she knew it was over.


End file.
